The first days of autumn... Seven months had passed, yet it felt like yesterday, the experiences she had lived through... Aylin had shivered intensely towards dawn. She smiled because it was the first time she felt cold in a long while. She had spent a very long and hot summer in the earthquake zone. Her smile faded quickly as memories of that freezing cold night seven months ago flooded back... Now she was just feeling cold and alone. The last thing she wanted to worry about that night was being cold...
Her sister Ceylin was no longer there. The earthquake had torn away many of Aylin's connections. How would she find solace? She couldn't pull herself together. Her husband was no longer tehere. Her friends, her grandmother, they were all gone. It was as if they all agreed and suddenly left Aylin alone... Her home, workplace, her belongings, photographs, memories, and the school of her childhood were gone, too.
She said to herself, "I will be strong, just as Kenan would have wanted." Tears welled up in her eyes again. Aylin had just married Kenan; their marriage hadn't even reached its first anniversary... They had so many dreams together. In the early months of their marriage, they had even dreamed of retirement as if they had many years to live together. Kenan wanted to settle in a coastal town, while Aylin wanted to continue her life in the city, surrounded by the people she had connected with. All those dreams were now left behind...
For a long time, Aylin didn't want to leave her bed. It was as if she had formed a bond with the bed after the earthquake. She had her reasons for it. Aylin had spent four months confined to a hospital bed, feeling utterly alone. She wanted to return to her city when the hospital period was over, but when she arrived, she was once again devastated by what she saw.
The house where she used to play and run in the yard was no longer there. The streets she had explored on her bicycle as a child, the neighborhood where she went to school, her grandmother's house where she took shelter after being afraid of her mother due to misbehaving, were no longer there.
A brand new page...
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What a blank page it was... She hadn't wanted a new life;
she was perfectly content with her life, her surroundings, her opportunities,
her friends... Now there was an
Aylin in the mirror, all alone in her new home, with no desire to stand in her
own loneliness. "Why didn't I go with them? I
wish I had died too." She had said this sentence so many times in the
hospital...
After the hospital period, she could walk again. Even though she couldn't run like before, but she could take steps. Her leg hadn't been amputated, and she was very grateful for that... But what would she do from now on?
Her phone was always in a corner now. There was no photo album to look through, no videos, no messages to read and smile at again. A few calls from friends and family... Their efforts not to leave Aylin alone... She saw these, but she didn't want to be a burden to anyone. She thought, "I must stand on my own two feet."
"If there is anyone who gives what they need to those in need, and of course there is..." she said and turned towards her phone at the sound of a message. It was from Emine, her lifelong friend who had gone to Australia years ago and whom she could only see once every five years. She grabbed a sweater and went out to the balcony and started muttering the message out loudly…
Loneliness is not
just about being alone!
And it's not
loneliness, it's being abandoned by someone...
And it's not
loneliness, it's being at the funeral of loved ones...
A person is alone;
not when a person is abandoned, not when someone close to him dies, not when he
is left alone...
A person becomes alone
only, when they forget the one who is closer to you than yourself.
The one who gives
everything that belongs to you,
And the one who
will take back everything that belongs to you
He is only alone
when he forgets.
That which is
before everything and everyone around you,
And what will
happen after everything and everyone around you,
He becomes alone
when he forgets, but a person can never forget what he should never forget...
He is the only
one who destroys loneliness.
And He is the
only one who can make you happy with you...
Anyone can leave
you
This is not what
is important...
It's not about
being alone.
Be alone, but
never be lonely...
This is what matters..."
Yahya HAMURCU
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Aylin started crying again, remembering the moment when the door didn't open, the last time she saw her husband. The last look and the ensuing dark four days. Four days spent with her husband's lifeless body next to him... She could only breathe, she could feel it, but she couldn't accept it. "This can't be happening, it's not possible, it shouldn’t happen" she kept saying. She had constantly rebelled, thinking she was left alone. With this message from Emine, she came to her senses.
A person would
only be alone when they forgot what they should never forget. She stood up,
wiped her tears, felt ashamed of her helplessness and promised to those who
would not forget her. If you wanted me to live, it means time is not over for
me yet...
If a person has
lost his God, what else can he gain...
"Come on,
it's time to start over," she said to herself. She opened her arms to her
new world. It was time for Aylin to start again, for new Aylin...
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